Fleet Street Beaten
by RainWillMakeTheFlowersGrow
Summary: A parody you'll never forget and probably never forgive me for.
1. Chapter 1

COMPANY: ATTEND THE TALE OF SWEENEY TODD! HE KILLED EVERYBODY!

WOMEN: But he sure was CLEAN!

COMPANY: EPIIIIIIC MUUUUUUUUUSIC AND EPIIIIIIC LYYYYYYYYRICS!

SWEENEY: _(rising from the grave) _Guys, don't give away the play. Leave.

COMPANY: Sigh. *sulkily file offstage*

* * *

ANTHONY: _(smiling broadly)_ I heart London! ZOMG!

SWEENEY: Yeah...right.

BEGGAR WOMAN: Alms! Please?

ANTHONY: _(smiling broadly) _Here. *gives her moneys*

BEGGAR WOMAN: Cool, thanks. Hey, HOW'D YOU LIKE A LITTLE MUFF, DEAR, A LITTLE JIG, A LITTLE BOUNCE AROUND THE BUSH—

SWEENEY: _(claps his hands over Anthony's ears) _Get out of here, lady. There are innocent ears about.

BEGGAR WOMAN: Hey, don't I know—

SWEENEY: NO.

BEGGAR WOMAN: *sulkily walks offstage*

ANTHONY: _(smiling broadly)_ There's no need to fear those insane women, sir! They don't mean any harm!

SWEENEY: No, people are all crap, especially the ones in London, because one of them did something mean to this barber who totally isn't me. See, he thought the barber's wife was hot, so he shipped him off.

ANTHONY: _(smiling broadly)_ Why, that's awful! Did the lady succumb?

SWEENEY: ...I dunno. Leave.

ANTHONY: _(smiling broadly)_ Kay. But wait! How am I going to return those CDs you lent me?

SWEENEY: _(pondering to self) _Which is worse—that idiot knowing where I live or losing my Sinatra tapes forever? Sigh. _(to Anthony)_ I'll be around Fleet Street. Probably.

ANTHONY: _(smiling broadly)_ See you around, then!

SWEENEY: Great.

* * *

MRS. LOVETT: _(spots Sweeney) _Hey! Come in and eat my pies. No one will eat them cos they're awful. Here, have one. Disgusting, isn't it? Well, it's not like you can get actual meat anymore, so I just use whatever I find. You know, fly carcasses, glue, nail polish, whatever. I mean, they're really, really bad. People die after eating them.

SWEENEY: Well...this is pretty bad, but I think the reason you don't sell any might have less to do with the taste than the way you advertise them.

MRS. LOVETT: You mean...the "WORST PIES IN LONDON!1!1111!" sign I hung out front isn't helping?

SWEENEY: ...I would say not, yeah.

MRS. LOVETT: Dang.

SWEENEY: ...

MRS. LOVETT: ...

SWEENEY: ...

MRS. LOVETT: _(gesturing at pie) _You gonna eat that?

SWEENEY: Uh, you go ahead. So, if you're having so many troubles, why don't you rent out that room upstairs?

MRS. LOVETT: No one will go near it.

SWEENEY: ...why?

MRS. LOVETT: Well, there was this superhot barber who lived there. And his wife. And this judge and his beadle wanted her, so they kicked the superhot barber out of the country. And then they invited the superhot barber's _wife_ to a party. And the judge raped her.

SWEENEY: ...

MRS. LOVETT: Yeah, it kind of sucked.

SWEENEY: NUUUUUUUUUU!11!1!

MRS. LOVETT: IT'S YOU THE SUPERHOT BARBER! _(glomps him)_

SWEENEY: Get off me, woman, and tell me what happened to my wife!

MRS. LOVETT: _(sulkily) _Well, fine then. She poisoned herself.

SWEENEY: NUUUUUUUUUU!11!1!

MRS. LOVETT: Yep, she...poisoned herself...with arsenic. And that is the truth. _(covert laughter)_

SWEENEY: Well, that sucks.

MRS. LOVETT: ...would something SHINY cheer you up?

SWEENEY: Would it ever!

MRS. LOVETT: Here! _(pulls out box of razors) _I kept 'em for you, which was kind of stupid considering you were sentenced to life. Hey, how did you get back anyway?

SWEENEY: _(has grabbed razors and is no longer listening) _MAH BESTIEEEEES! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

MRS. LOVETT: Didja miss ME, Mr. Barker?

SWEENEY: It's Todd now. Sweeney Todd. And...no. So, friends, how are you doing? Jim? Georges? Audrey II? That's great. We're gonna do great things, you know, guys...

COMPANY: SWING YOUR RAZOR HIGH, SWEENEY! HEAR IT SINGING, YES! PLUNGE IT IN THE ROSY SKIN OF RIGHTEOUSNESSSSS!

SWEENEY: Sounds like a plan.

* * *

BIRDSELLER: Birds for sale...birds for sale!

JOHANNA: Sigh. These birds are such metaphors for my life. But they can sing. And I can't. Except I totally can, way better than a normal person. But anyway, yeah, I'm kept caged up in this house all day and my guardian is a total perv and LIFE SUCKS.

BIRDSELLER: ...Do you want me to call the child abuse hotline?

JOHANNA: No.

BIRDSELLER: ...Do you want to call the suicide hotline?

JOHANNA: No, no, I'm fine.

BIRDSELLER: ...if you say so. I'm leaving.

JOHANNA: Kay. See you tomorrow.

MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE STREET...

ANTHONY: OMG OMG A PRETTY GIRL I MUST MARRY HER.

BEGGAR WOMAN: Well, you're not exactly who I had in mind for my—

ANTHONY: _(claps a hand over her mouth) _No spoilers!

BEGGAR WOMAN: Oops. Sorry.

ANTHONY: Anyway, do you know that girl's name?

BEGGAR WOMAN: Johanna.

ANTHONY: JOHAAAAAAAAAANNNA!

BEGGAR WOMAN: Just Johanna, actually.

ANTHONY: JOHAAAAAAAAAANNNA!

BEGGAR WOMAN: No, just Johanna.

ANTHONY: JOHAAAAAAAAAANNNA JOHAAAAAAAAAANNNA JOHAAAAAAAAAANNNA!

BEGGAR WOMAN: ...I give up.

* * *

TOBY: _(holding up bottle of a questionable liquid)_ Guys. This stuff is like totally amazing. It saved my life. You can grow a ton of hair, superfast! Buy some NOW, a penny a bottle!

TOWNSPERSON #1: ...if it's so great, why is it only a penny?

TOBY: Because...because...Signor Pirelli is so NICE!

ASSORTED TOWNSPEOPLE: ...

TOWNSPERSON #2: Well, that makes sense.

TOWNSPERSON #3: Definitely. I'll take two bottles!

SWEENEY: _(popping up) _This is piss and ink, guys. Seriously, how stupid are you?

ASSORTED TOWNSPEOPLE: _(sniff sniff) _You're RIGHT! DIE, PIRELLI, FOR MAKING US LOOK LIKE IDIOTS!

PIRELLI: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh-a...

SWEENEY: Wanna have a barbering contest?

PIRELLI: Yes-a! Definitely-a! But-a you-a will-a LOSE-A! Ha.

SWEENEY: ...riiiiiight. Hey, Beadle Bamford, will you judge it? Pretty please?

BEADLE: Sounds fun!

PIRELLI: But-a you-a, sir-a, are-a going-a to-a LOSE-A! Because-a barbering-a is an art-a! In-a fact-a, I went-a to barbering-a college-a for-a twelve-a years-a to learn-a to-a be-a this-a good-a. And-a—

SWEENEY: _(snip snip snip) _Done!

BEADLE: _(points at Sweeney)_ He wins.

PIRELLI: Dang-a it-a.

SWEENEY: Your accent sounds kind of fake, you know.

PIRELLI: Well-a, it-a isn't-a. Toby-a, we're-a leaving-a.

BEADLE: So, Mr. Todd, can I come visit your shop?

SWEENEY: Yes, and I'll give you the closest shave of your life! Heh heh. Heh heh. MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

BEADLE: Okay, see you then! _(walks off, unsuspicious)_

MRS. LOVETT: Well, this shopping trip was more plot-advancing than I anticipated.

* * *

MRS. LOVETT: FLOOOOOOWERS ARE PRETTTTTTTTTTY—

SWEENEY: Why isn't the beadle here yet? _(sings) _He meant to be here by Sunday, that's what he said—

MRS. LOVETT: I'm sure he'll come. And stop sounding so much like Johanna.

SWEENEY: ...what?

MRS. LOVETT: ...nothing. Anyway. Flowers, yah?

SWEENEY: Whatever. Nothing matters until he COMES!

MRS. LOVETT: Just wait, hon. He'll be here in a jiffy, I'm sure. Patience is a virtue, you know.

ANTHONY: Oh Mr. TO-ODD!

MRS. LOVETT: ...you know this kid, love?

SWEENEY: Unfortunately. So, did you bring my CDs?

ANTHONY: I sure did! _(hands them to Sweeney)_

SWEENEY: Ah, Frank, I missed you.

MRS. LOVETT: ...

SWEENEY: ...

ANTHONY: ...

SWEENEY: So, what's new with you, Anthony?

ANTHONY: Well, I met a girl—

MRS. LOVETT: _(to Sweeney) _Nice going, love, now he'll never shut up.

ANTHONY: Blah blah blah blah blah JOHAAAAAAAAAANNNA.

SWEENEY: Come again?

ANTHONY: JOHAAAAAAAAAANNNA. That's her name. She lives with a nasty old judge and—

SWEENEY: HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP.

MRS. LOVETT: Hush, love. _(to Anthony)_ Now, since you were planning on rescuing her—

ANTHONY: _..._Rescuing her?

MRS. LOVETT: Yeah. Bring her here.

ANTHONY: ...okay. Bye. See you soon! _(skips off)_

SWEENEY: ...WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

MRS. LOVETT: I was thinking you could kill him or something, love.

SWEENEY: Okay, what's up with the 'love' thing?

MRS. LOVETT: What love thing?

SWEEENEY: Don't think I haven't noticed it.

MRS. LOVETT: Well, uh, well, uh, well, uh, well, uh—

PIRELLI: I-a am-a here-a!

TOBY: And so am I!

PIRELLI: Shut-a up-a, kid-a. I-a need-a to-a talk-a to-a Mr.-a Todd-a.

MRS. LOVETT: _(leading Toby away)_ Here, I'll get you a pie, hon. Fresh last month!

SWEENEY: Sooooo...

PIRELLI: The jig is up, Barker.

SWEENEY: Ha! I knew that accent was fake, you liar—wait, what did you call me?

PIRELLI: I'm, you know, that guy.

SWEENEY: Oh. _That _one.

PIRELLI: Yes. So gimme some cash. Because I can tell everyone about you being Benjamin Barker and not really supposed to be here. And also about those bloodthirsty tendencies you used to exhibit—oh, crap.

SWEENEY: DIIIIIIIIIIIIE!

PIRELLI: Ow. I am partially dead.

TOBY: Mr. Todd?

SWEENEY: AAAAH! *hides Pirelli in a trunk before Toby comes in* What is it, laddie-me-boy-laddio?

TOBY: ...I was just wondering where Signor Pirelli was.

SWEENEY: He's...in the bathroom.

TOBY: Um, okay. I was just, you know, wondering about those screams, but, uh, bye.

SWEENEY: Bye. _(when Toby is gone, he opens the trunk)_ Okay, DIIIIIIIIE! For real this time.

PIRELLI: Ow. I am completely dead.

SWEENEY: _(tossing Pirelli back in the trunk) _Well, there's ONE problem taken care of.

* * *

JUDGE TURPIN: Boy, Johanna looks HAWT today. _(turns head) _No! Bad Smeagol! _(turns head back)_ But she's so preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty..._ (turns head)_ But—_(turns back)_ NO! She's pretty. All your arguments are invalid. I'm marrying Johanna ay-sap. JOHANNA!

JOHANNA: _(is staring out the window at Anthony) _Whaaaa?

JUDGE TURPIN: We're getting married on Monday. Kay?

JOHANNA: WHAAAAAAAA?

JUDGE TURPIN: Hey! There's the beadle! I'm gonna go tell him the happy news.

JOHANNA: WHAAAAAAAA?

ANTHONY: Pssst! Johanna!

JOHANNA: Okay, NOW I need to call the suicide hotline.

ANTHONY: I have a plan. You're going to marry me instead of Judge Turpin.

JOHANNA: Now THAT sounds like a plan.

ANTHONY: Kiss me!

JOHANNA: Oh sir!

ANTHONY: Ah miss!

MEANWHILE...

JUDGE TURPIN: So, Beadle, I'm marrying Johanna, but she didn't seem too excited when I told her. What do you think is the issue?

BEADLE: Hmm. Well, obviously it isn't the fact that you're five decades older than her.

JUDGE TURPIN: Obviously.

BEADLE: Or that you raped someone in public.

JUDGE TURPIN: Well, I'm sure THAT'S not it.

BEADLE: Or that you've made her look at you like a father figure your entire life.

JUDGE TURPIN: Of course not.

BEADLE: So I'm going to guess it's that there's some stubble on your cheek.

JUDGE TURPIN: AHHHH IS THERE REALLY? OH NOES!

BEADLE: I know, I know. It's terrible. But I know a barber you can go to, and then Johanna will definitely probably love you maybe.

JUDGE TURPIN: PHEW!

BEADLE: His name is Todd, and he works on Fleet Street.

JUDGE TURPIN: Coolio.

MEANWHILE...

ANTHONY: You know, Jo, I think we should get married on Sunday instead.

JOHANNA: Okay! Saturday would be good too! Or today...right now...hey, what was your name?

ANTHONY: Anthony.

JOHANNA: Anthony! Oh sir!

ANTHONY: Ah miss!

JOHANNA: Oh sir!

ANTHONY: Ah miss!

JOHANNA: Oh sir!

ANTHONY: Ah miss!

JOHANNA: Oh sir!

BIRDSELLER: OH, SHUT UP ALREADY!

* * *

JUDGE TURPIN: Hey, Mr. Todd? Can I have a shave?

SWEENEY: Why, yes you can sir. Here, sit in this chair. Don't mind me cackling maniacally in the corner to myself here.

JUDGE TURPIN: All right then, I won't. Say, I'm getting married on Monday! Ain't that grand?

SWEENEY: Uh, sure. Who are you marrying?

JUDGE TURPIN: My daughter.

SWEENEY: ...

JUDGE TURPIN: Well, not my _legal_ daughter. She's just my ward. Johanna.

SWEENEY: ...HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP NOT MY BABY

JUDGE TURPIN: What was that?

SWEENEY: I said...PRETTY WOMEN!

JUDGE TURPIN: Okay. PRETTY WOMEN!

BOTH: DOING LOTS OF...THIIIINGS! ARE PRETTY! AND WOMEN! LA LA LA!

SWEENEY: Well, this is fun, but I'm afraid I'll have to kill you now—

ANTHONY: _(bursting in) _I'm getting' married in the mor-ning! To Johanna! Who I love! Wait, should that be 'whom'?

SWEENEY: ANTHONY. WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FREAKING—

JUDGE TURPIN: ...wait, what?

SWEENEY: He said...PRETTY WOMEN!

JUDGE TURPIN: No he didn't! He said he was going to get married to Johanna!

ANTHONY: Well, this is awkward.

JUDGE TURPIN: I'm going to lock her up where you'll never find her! Ha ha ha ha ha! _(leaves)_

SWEENEY: ANTHONY. YOU. COMPLETE—

ANTHONY: Well, uh, it's been grand but I've gotta go. See you later tonight.

SWEENEY: aeoirjfdvcklxm ,kdlfsjyueiorwhfdcnkvmf

MRS. LOVETT: _(rushing upstairs) _What is it, love?

SWEENEY: EVERYBODY SUCKS AND THEY SHOULD ALL DIE AND I HATE THEM AND YEAH.

MRS. LOVETT: ...

SWEENEY: So here's the plan. I'm going to kill everyone that comes to me for a shave. How does that sound?

MRS. LOVETT: Okay. ...Can I bake their corpses into pies?

SWEENEY: Hmm. I dunno. Even for me, that seems a bit...morally dubious.

MRS. LOVETT: _(tantalizingly)_ Aaaaaand we get to make puuuuuuuuuuuuns...

SWEENEY: REALLY? ? ? ?

MRS. LOVETT: Yep. LOTS and LOTS of puns.

SWEENEY: All right, you've sold me. Let's get started!

~THE CURTAIN FALLS FOR INTERMISSION~

* * *

**S****o, I wrote this during the seven hours today in which I listened to the Sweeney soundtrack. I think I'm going insane. It's fun.**

**Reviews are loved, always. Flames, not particularly. :)***

***This is an EVIL face. AJ knows.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi! Look at me, updating nice and quick...prepare for TOO MUCH CAPS LOCK!**

* * *

**Justme-Ah! Those evil faces are scaring me, AJ!**

**Darci the Thespian-I would say Anthony, but he's so much better than ****_Turpin_**** that you have to ship him with Johanna. I agree that he and Marius are BFFs, though. :D**

**Om-Yeah, 'Epiphany' always makes me go ooooOOOOoooo. The same thing happens with 'Phantom of the Opera' and 'Defying Gravity'.**

**TheatreGhost-316-Hey, someone who I don't even know is reviewing my story! That's awesome. Thanks! And yes, there is indeed an Act II, as you can see.**

**Disclaimer-I don't own Sweeney Todd, Les Mis, Phantom of the Opera, Next to Normal, or Into the Woods. Honestly now, did anyone think I did?**

* * *

TOBY: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN COME AND EAT THESE YUMMY PIIIIIIIES! Only a penny apiece!

TOWNSPERSON #1: Right, like we haven't forgotten what happened the last time you tried to sell us something.

TOWNSPERSON #2: Yeah! It would probably turn out that the meat in these pies, was, like, human meat or something. Ha! Ha!

TOWNSPERSON #1: On the other hand, they do smell awfully good...

TOWNSPERSON #2: You're right...all right, I'm caving. MORE HOT! MORE PIES! GOD THAT'S GOOD THAT IS DE HOT MORE HOT PIES MORE!

MRS. LOVETT: Nice to see you! Come in, come in. Eat up, dearies. TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBY! Be a good lad and slave for my customers while I chat with them.

TOBY: All right, mum. _(is adorable)_

MRS. LOVETT: _(to customer) _So how are you, Bob? I've just been hanging out here with my friend Mr.—

SWEENEY: MRS. LOVETT GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR YOU WILL PAY I SWEAR TO GOD

MRS. LOVETT: Ain't he marvelous? Better go see what he wants.

SWEENEY: WHY ISN'T IT HERE YET I WANT IT NOW

MRS. LOVETT: I think you have patience issues, love. Along with the Caps Lock Disorder you so obviously suffer from. _(to customer) _So, Jenny, I was talking to Eleanor the other day and—

SWEENEY: MRS. LOVETT COME OVER THIS INSTANT I NEED TO TALK TO YOU

MRS. LOVETT: What is it, love? I need to make MORE HOT PIES MORE PIES GOD GOOD MORE or whatever the customers are calling them these days...

SWEENEY: IT'S HERE IT'S HERE IT'S HERE LOOKIE LOOKIE AT MAH PRETTY NEW CHAIR MAH NEW FRIEEEEEND

MRS. LOVETT: ...you also have problems with inanimate objects...

SWEENEY: Isn't it pretty though? Huh huh huh?

MRS. LOVETT: It looks kind of like your old chair to me...

SWEENEY: Shut up. _(to chair) _Don't listen to her, Leopoldine. You're beautiful.

MRS. LOVETT: ...I'm going to go serve some pies. Bye.

CUSTOMERS: GOD THAT'S GOOD

MORE THINGS: _(happen, but this scene is too long already.)_

* * *

ANTHONY: I feeeeeeeeeeel you, JOHAAAAAAAAAANNNA! I am in the dark besiiiiiiiide you!

BEGGAR WOMAN: ...oh, that's not creepy at all.

SWEENEY: I'll probably _(kills a guy) _never see _(kills a guy) _my daughter, but I'm _(kills a guy) _having fun killing _(kills a guy)_ random people, so, _(kills a guy)_ it's all good.

BEGGAR WOMAN: CIIIIIIIIITY ON FIIIIIIIIIIRE! MISCHIEF! MISCHIEF!

ANTHONY: Right, I'm the creepy one.

JOHANNA: I'll marry Anthony Sunday, Anthony Sunday... _(wanders aimlessly)_

ANTHONY: I feeeeeel you...

SWEENEY: _(kills a guy)_

BEGGAR WOMAN: MISCHIEF!

JOHANNA: Anthony Sunday...

ANTHONY: I'll steeeeal you...

SWEENEY: _(kills a guy)_

BEGGAR WOMAN: CITY ON FIRE!

JOHANNA: Married on Sunday...

MRS. LOVETT: _(walks onstage)_ I got you some gummies, Mr. Todd, the worms, just like you like...wait a minute! Were you performing a duet...without me? _(lip wobbles)_

SWEENEY: ...a quartet, actually.

MRS. LOVETT: Oh, right, like that's any better! You can bet you aren't getting any gummies now! _(starts sobbing) _WAAAAAAAAH!

SWEENEY: Shut up.

MRS. LOVETT: WAAAAAAAAAAH!

SWEENEY: SHUT UP!

MRS. LOVETT: NO! WAAAAAAAAH!

SWEENEY: WHAT WILL MAKE YOU BE QUIET? TELL ME!

MRS. LOVETT: Well...since you asked...I've always wanted to go swimming.

SWEENEY: ...swimming?

MRS. LOVETT: Yep.

SWEENEY: ...that's all?

MRS. LOVETT: Well, ideally, we'd also be getting married. And there would be seagulls.

SWEENEY: ...why don't you let me think about that one.

* * *

ANTHONY: MR. TODD MR. TODD

SWEENEY: Ugggggggh what is it?

ANTHONY: I FOUND HER I FOUND JOHAAAAAANNNA

SWEENEY: REALLY REALLY THAT'S AWESOME

ANTHONY: I KNOW RIGHT

SWEENEY: WHERE IS SHE

ANTHONY: THE INSANE ASYLUM

SWEENEY: YAY YAY YAY wait what?

ANTHONY: Yeah. And I can't figure out how to get her out.

SWEENEY: You should pretend to be a wigmaker. I know everything about wigmakers for reasons that are never revealed.

ANTHONY: Okay! _(after a few lessons in wigmakering, skips off to the asylum)_

* * *

_(for the line below, fanfiction won't let me cross words out, so the bolded words are the ones included in Sweeney's final letter and the regular ones are the ones he's crossed out.)_

SWEENEY: _(plots)_ **Dear Judge Turpin**, go die in a hole. **It has come to my attention that a young man is going to **rescue**steal** my **your** **ward**. **I told him to bring her here** **so** I could lure you in **you could collect her at your convenience and throw the sailor in jail **like me. **Give my love to all, **Benjamin **Sweeney Todd. **Well, that should do the trick. _(gives it to a...boy in a trenchcoat and cap standing with a sorrowful expression.) _Boy! Take this letter to Judge Turpin.

BOY: Oooooooooon my oooooooowwwn...

SWEENEY: Yeah, yeah. Shoo.

* * *

TOBY: _(is adorable) _There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, mum.

MRS. LOVETT: That's nice.

TOBY: In fact, in your best interests, I really think you should kick Mr. Todd out. The way he always has blood on his hands is kind of suspicious.

MRS. LOVETT: Hey, I have blood on my hands all the time too!

TOBY: ...yeah, but you work with meat. Mr. Todd works with _people_.

MRS. LOVETT: Same thing, really.

TOBY: ...what?

MRS. LOVETT: I said...have a bonbon.

TOBY: That purse looks kind of familiar...is it Signor Pirelli's?

MRS. LOVETT: Definitely not.

TOBY: No, it is! This means that Mr. Todd must have—

MRS. LOVETT: Would you like to learn how to grind meat?

TOBY: _(gasp) _Would I ever!

MRS. LOVETT: _(leads him into the basement)_ See, my secret is running the meat through the grinder three times! That way no one can tell what kind of meat it is...here, grind it while I go...do something...

TOBY: Boy, this is fu-un! Mrs. Lovett, I see why you like making pies so much! Mrs. Lovett? Mum? WHERE ARE YOU? I'M AFRAID OF THE DARK, YOU KNOW!

BEADLE: Mrs. Lovett? Mrs. Lov-ett! Ah, what to do to pass the time..._(sits down at harpsichord) _LA LA LA...THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE—

MRS. LOVETT: INSIIIIDE MY MIIIIND!

BEADLE: Ah, didn't see you there, Mrs. Lovett!

MRS. LOVETT: Why, I didn't know you were a theatre geek too, Beadle Bamford!

BEADLE: Well, I certainly am, but that discussion will have to wait for another day because..._(lowers voice) _today I'm here on...official business.

MRS. LOVETT: _(gasp)_

BEADLE: Yes...you see...your neighbors have been complaining about the smell of rotting human flesh emanating from your bakehouse.

MRS. LOVETT: ...oh.

BEADLE: So...if I could have a look down there...

MRS. LOVETT: ...at the bakehouse?

BEADLE: Um, yes.

MRS. LOVETT: Well, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to do that, but...I...gave my key to Mr. Todd. And...he's not here.

BEADLE: WONderful. Sigh. _(sits back down at harpsichord)_ I'M ALIVE, I'M ALIVE, I AM SOOOO ALIVE—

SWEENEY: HIIIIIIIIIIIIII

MRS. LOVETT: Back already, Mr. Todd? Exxxxxxxxcellent...heh heh...I mean...why don't you go get a shave, Beadle? Wouldn't want the bakehouse to see you looking like that, would we?

BEADLE: Hm, I guess you're right. One can't go into a bakehouse with unpommaded hair, can one?

SWEENEY: Of course not, sir. Here, let me escort you up.

MRS. LOVETT: We don't want anyone hearing him scream, I'd better start SIIIIIINGING LOUUUUUDLY...NO ONE IS ALONE...TRULY, NO ONE IS ALOOONE!

TOBY: Mm, these pies are yummy...cough choke WHY ARE THERE FINGERNAILS AND HAIR IN MY PIE? Something tells me that's not normal...

MRS. LOVETT: AND HOME BEFORE—Toby, dangit! WHY COULDN'T YOU KEEP BEING AN IDIOT?

SWEENEY: Did he figure it out? Oh gosh darn it, I'll have to kill him now, won't I. What. A. Shame.

MRS. LOVETT: Hey, I liked him!

* * *

INSANE PEOPLE: _(are insane. And creepy.)_

ANTHONY: _(charges in) _I'LL SAVE YOU, JOHAAAAANNNA!

JOHANNA: Oh, Anthony! _(swoons)_

ASYLUM HEAD GUY: Oh no you don't! That woman is clearly insane!

ANTHONY: STOP OR I'LL SHOOT!

ASYLUM HEAD GUY: Yeah, right. There's no way you would shoot anyone. You look like a puppy.

JOHANNA: He will too! Shoot him, Anthony!

ANTHONY: Well uh well uh well uh well uh

JOHANNA: Oh, for heaven's sake! THIS is how it's done! _(shoots Asylum Head Guy)_

ASYLUM HEAD GUY: Ow.

ANTHONY: WHAAAAA?

* * *

COMPANY: CITY ON FIIIIRE!

BEGGAR WOMAN: Catchy, isn't it?

JOHANNA: Will we be married on Sunday? Huh Anthony will we will we?

ANTHONY: YOU JUST FREAKING SHOT A GUY WHAT WAS UP WITH THAT?

JOHANNA: Well uh well uh well uh...

MRS. LOVETT: TOOOOOBY WHERE AAAAAAAAAARE YOU?

SWEENEY: Yes, come here so I can drug and kill...I mean, hug and kiss...you...

BEGGAR WOMAN: BEEEEADLE! WHERE AAAAARE YOU? MISCHIEF! MISCHIEF!

ANTHONY: Mr. Todd? Mr. Todd, where aaaaare you?

JOHANNA: _(dressed up not-very-convincingly as a man) _Yeah, where is this guy?

ANTHONY: It doesn't matter, he'll be back soon. I trust him as I trust my right arm.

JOHANNA: Oh, well, if that's the case. I'm sure your trust is very well-founded.

ANTHONY: Sure is! I'll be back in juuuust a second for you, okay, Johanna?

JOHANNA: Okay. I'll be here—

BEGGAR WOMAN: Hi.

JOHANNA: Eep! _(hides in trunk.)_

BEGGAR WOMAN: _(looking around) _I'm getting a strange feeling of déjà vu here...

SWEENEY: _(enters) _THE JUDGE IS COMING YAAAAAY! Ew, it's you. Leave.

BEGGAR WOMAN: I don't wanna.

SWEENEY: FINE THEN! DIIIIIIIE!

BEGGAR WOMAN: ...ow. _(slides down the chute that I didn't mention before.)_

JUDGE TURPIN: HIIIIIIIIII

SWEENEY: YOU'RE HERE!

JUDGE TURPIN: I KNOW!

SWEENEY: Your daughter...fiancée...whatever...is downstairs, and she totally wants to marry you now.

JUDGE TURPIN: Really?

SWEENEY: Yup.

JUDGE TURPIN: Can I have a shave, then?

SWEENEY: Sure! PRETTY WOMEN!

JUDGE TURPIN: PRETTY WOMEN!

BOTH: PRETTY WOMEN PRETTY WOMEN PRETTY WOMEN

JUDGE TURPIN: Ah, we really are great buddies, aren't we, Mr. Todd?

SWEENEY: Yup. With fellow tastes in women...

JUDGE TURPIN: Lolwut?

SWEENEY: Don't you recognize me?

JUDGE TURPIN: ...oh. Crap. Benjamin—

SWEENEY: BENJAMIN BARKER! _(kills him)_

JUDGE TURPIN: Ow. _(slides down the chute)_

SWEENEY: Ah, that was fun. All right, Georges, you're done now. You can go take a nap.

JOHANNA: _(leaps out of trunk) _Are you gone?

SWEENEY: WHO THE HECK ARE YOU

JOHANNA: ...oh. You aren't.

SWEENEY: DIIIIIIII—

MRS. LOVETT: DIIIIIIIE!

JOHANNA: _(runs away)_

SWEENEY: Dang. Wait, who's Mrs. Lovett killing?

MRS. LOVETT: _(kicking the judge)_ DIIIIIE!

SWEENEY: Wait, I didn't even kill him fully? That's kind of disappointing.

MRS. LOVETT: Whatever. He's dead now. Hey, what's this other corpse—NOOOOOOOOOOO!

SWEENEY: What is it?

MRS. LOVETT: Lol lol lol it's nothing. Just...uh...nothing.

SWEENEY: Oh, it's just that crazy old beggar—HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP.

MRS. LOVETT: _(backs away slowly)_

SWEENEY: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME

MRS. LOVETT: Because—and this is a big declaration, Mr. Todd, I know I haven't given you any hints whatsoever, so it might be a shock—but—BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

SWEENEY: FD;KLJJAFSD;LKJAFSAD;JKL FJSAL;DKFSDA;KLJJKLFSADREOJFDISVCKLMX,ATHFB all right. It's okay.

MRS. LOVETT: Really?

SWEENEY: Yeah. You know I've never been one to hold a grudge.

MRS. LOVETT: Oh yay! Can we go get married now?

SWEENEY: No. DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE! _(throws her in the stove)_

MRS. LOVETT: Ow.

SWEENEY: WAAAAAAH!

TOBY: I'M INSAAAAANE NOOOOW! _(finds his way out of the bakehouse and discovers Sweeney kissing the dead woman, which must be more than a little disturbing.)_ You really shouldn't kill people, you know, Mr. Todd.

SWEENEY: asdrjalkjd;slfj

TOBY: Hey, look what I found! A RAZOR! Can I kill you with it, Mr. Todd?

SWEENEY: Sure.

TOBY: DIIIIIIIIE!

SWEENEY: WAIT WAIT I CHANGED MY—_(dies)_ Ow.

TOBY: I'M INSAAAANE, LA LA LA...three times is the secret! Watch me grind me corn!

ANTHONY, JOHANNA, AND TWO RANDOM POLICE OFFICERS: ...

TOBY: Yep, three times through the grinder and then it will ATTEND THE TALE OF SWEENEY TODD!

COMPANY: HE KILLED EVERYBODY! THE MOST EPIC MUSIC AND LYRICS EVER! LALALA!

SWEENEY: TO SEEK REVENGE MAY LEAD TO HELL

MRS. LOVETT: -BUT EVERYONE DOES IT THOUGH SELDOM AS WELL AS SWEENEY!

COMPANY: AS SWEENEY TODD!

SWEENEY: _(slams the door)_

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Well, that was certainly an experience.


End file.
